We've always loved the Seinfeld episode when Elaine nearly "converts" a gay guy, and at the end she says something like "I have access to the equipment maybe 45 minutes a week - in a good week! How could I compete with who has access to it 24 hours a day, their entire lives?". An invaluable television truth!
So when Freud under delirious stupor applied the term jealousy to describe the female relationship to the penis, we think he missed a score. What we actually have is tremendous curiosity over an organ that we simply don't have, hardly comprehend, and whose functioning seems like something out of a cartoon. Who doesn't remember the Thundercat's sword, increasingly growing in size as that hot Tiger said "Thunder, thunder. thundercats, hooooooo", holding it over his crotch while tensioning his facial muscles?
Anyway, back to the dick. Maybe it's exactly because we have such limited access to it that we have been seeing penises everywhere. So we ask ourselves: is it our dirty mind or are they really fucking with us?
Christmas lights. Sure.
This is the work of a naughty architect.
WTF is this? A giant candy-CANE?
Now this is the work of a naughty gardener.
In this case, I don;t know whether to blame the carpenter or mother nature.
And of course we won't even mention the Akbar Towers in Barcelona:
In the food kingdom, phallics abound. They border on pornography.
Not even coffee is safe:
IN COORPORATE LOGOS
Maybe some designers are PMSing. Maybe they are clueless. Or maybe, just maybe, they are fucking with us:
As we grow older, we slowly realize more and more evidence of how much naughtiness went into everything we consumed. So open your eyes people, there are cocks everywhere:
Just an innocent toy.
These are supposedly little edible lighthouses, what doesn't make it much better.
Et tu, Cheetos?
These are scissors, you dirty minded you!
Now this is where it gets nasty. Because as far as being dirty goes, Nature takes the cake.
Let's start with a couple of examples from the animal kingdom:
Yep, this is a slug. A giant slug. And it does look like a limp cock. Jealousy??? Hello, Mr. Freud!
This is an albino turtle found in China (for real). But c'mon, now, it does look like it, doesn't it? Isn't it the most bizarre creature you've seen lately? Will it not go straight into the pages of Hentai?
In the vegetable world, there are many fertile examples. Let's begin with a cactus:
Oh, the tree of life!
Please notice the uncontainable joy on this lady's face. Not a good prospective.
Even amongst fungi!
This leaves us with one big question: If mother nature is so prone to depravity, does that make us all sons of a whore?
Click here for Part 2.